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List # 3 – Fears

February 10, 2010

I’ve done a lot of thinking about my blog recently. Lots of reading of other blogs and reading about blogging (ProBlogger is pretty awesome), and its lead me to this conclusion: I really love blogging and I want to become better at it.

I bet that was a twist for you huh?

But this conclusion means I have to make some changes to my blog and I know they need to be made but I keep putting off making any decisions about them. Why would I do that? Well, frankly because I’m afraid. This blog has people reading it, people leave comments, I have conversations with other bloggers, other blogs have links to this one…. if I make changes I’m afraid those will all go away and I’ll be starting from zero again. Which would suck.

So, in honour of my 52 list project and my current state of mind, here is a list of some fears I have, about blogging, about life, about the world. Some are sane and normal fears, some are… well… not so much.

List of Fears

– Change. I have a love/hate relationship with change. Since I moved a lot at a kid I realize that change happens and I think I can adapt to it pretty well… sometimes. As I grew up I’ve discovered that if it’s change I start I’m less anxious about it than change that someone else initiates. If someone else is pulling the strings then I put on all brakes and try to avoid the change no matter what. Even if it’s a good change, a change for the better, which sometimes leaves Mike banging his head against the wall. I’m also afraid of change within myself. I’m afraid I’m going to become someone I don’t like, or someone who is false and not really me. It’s a bit silly since the fact that I’m afraid of that means I’m not just going to blindly follow things or let myself become something I’m not, but it’s a fear none the less.

– Disappointment. I’m afraid of disappointing myself and more so of disappointing the people around me.  A lot of this is accumulating now in the planning of my wedding at an undecided date, and undecided city and an undecided place. That’s a lot of undecideds.  But I keep holding back on making any decisions because I’m afraid other people won’t like the ones I make.Wedding planning was much more fun when I wasn’t engaged, I could just soak everything in. Now I have to make decisions and what if they are the wrong decisions? What if other people don’t like them? what if I don’t like them? What if I will resent having made those decisions for the rest of my life? Excuse me, I’m going to go and curl up into a little ball of wedding anxiety now.

– Wasps. And Hornets. They are all out to get me. No one will ever change my mind of this. They are hideous evil creatures that seek to make my summer times a constantly cautious affair just in case they are waiting somewhere ready to attack.  If I see one, I freeze, like a statue.  Thankfully Mike is my knight in shining armor and has no problem batting them out of the way with his baseball cap. (Bees are okay. I’ve realized if I don’t bother them, they won’t bother me.)

– Being Late. I’m getting better at this one, but I used to hate being late and it would send me into horrible fits of panic at the thought of it.

– Being forgotten. This I suppose is the fear of all humanity, the fear that our lives will be lived out and then forgotten, as if they never were. I think this is what drives so much of our creativity and ingenuity. Whether it’s books, new discoveries in science, architecture, moments in history, even having kids…. it’s all so that someone will remember us in someway. So that we won’t be nothing. My fear is sometimes that if I leave a place (did I mention I moved alot?) that once I’m gone it will be like I never was there.  But something I’m learning and remembering more is that everything we do touches another life and in those small ways we make our marks on the world.  Whether it’s friendship, being kind to someone you’ve never met, or smiling at a stranger on the street, all our actions affect others and so we have change the world, and the world remembers.

Those are my big fears, the ones that everything comes back.  Every time I stumble or feel anxious or afraid it probably has something to do with one of these.  Well, I’m thinking of changing the layout, the host, the name even, and I’m afraid that these changes will disappoint people and they will no longer come and visit me and hence forget all about me. I’m sure that this transition will be for the best, but there is always those little voices. So I have put them under the spotlight and put them out there for the world to see. They seem a lot smaller when I do that.

How about you delightful readers? What are your fears and how do you make them smaller?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Hannah permalink
    February 10, 2010 8:49 pm

    Moths. I sick the cat on them.

  2. youngromantic permalink
    February 11, 2010 11:39 am

    Ooooooh, fear! I’m an expert on this topic!

    Well, I’m also afraid of bees and wasps, but with good reason since I’m allergic to their stings.

    On a more abstract level, I’d say my biggest fears are failure and not being liked. It’s funny how writing them down and admitting it makes them seem a whole lot smaller! Kind of therapeutic!

  3. Ashley Erin permalink*
    February 12, 2010 1:38 pm

    Hannah – Cats are handy for dealing with insect fears.

    Alison – It is very therapeutic to write them out. I felt so much better after writing this and sending it out into the world. Makes everything seem more manageable. Except for the wasps. They will always be out to get me.

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